Thursday, September 15, 2011

In Their Honor - I Forgive Myself...

 In Their Honor- I Forgive Myself

On year ago today I lost my little Mom. 72 days before that I lost my precious little Dad. It has been a year filled with the darkest depression as I have never known. I was totally unprepared for the grief that was fixing to invade my life.

In the 8 years that I took care of Mom and Dad there were some wonderful times and there were a few hard times. As the years passed by their care became more and more demanding and I became more and more exhausted and overwhelmed and yes some days angry.

I allowed some outside influence to determine my attitude sometimes and although thought myself to be more discerning than that, I allowed the enemy to invade the camp and bring turmoil.

I was thrown into being a caregiver

and had to leave the daughter relationship in shadow of taking care of pills fixing 3 meals a day, doctor appointments laundry sickness in the middle of the night.
Day after day as the demand grew to mega proportions the last 6 months was more than any one person could even think to do. However, I was dog determined to keep those two little people together to the end of their days.
Maybe that was unreasonable, maybe, but in the end, with the help of the Lord, no no, with a LOT of help from the Lord they lived side by side with the exception of the 72 days between their death and I am THANKFUL to the Lord that HE allowed me to accomplish that.

I made mistakes and I had days that me and the personality differences between me and Dad were full blown. There were times that we did not speak for days. I allowed myself to become part of that and not rise above it. Me and Dad were like oil and water my entire life and when he was thrown into a patient, so to speak, relationship with me just caused that oil and water to become magnified.

We had our days.

I knew better, I was stronger than that. The deceiver became the stronger and I struggle with that. Tired and worn out and vulnerable to his influence. There were some days that I just did not rise above it.

There were not many of those days but of course the enemy enhances those memories and not the multitude of days that we laughed.

This past year has gone by so very quickly,

I really do not know where the days have gone. I have accomplished nothing. I have not read much or worked in my shop much, I have not painted the inside of my house as I had planned. I have grieved and I wept bitter tears for my failure and for the loss of my Dad who was my best friend and my mom that always smiled and never spoke a harsh word. I have begged God to forgive me and begged HIM again and again to tell Mom and Dad that I am sorry.

The pain of regret, it is bitter and it is a hot poker that hurts our hearts each days as we allow it.

I am human,

I am a one dimensional creation serving a multifaceted multidimensional Creator that sees the beginning and the end where we only see the what lies just in front of our face.

HE is love personified in HIS son Christ 

who loves unconditionally and we love conditionally no matter how hard we try to do the opposite. We are flesh and flesh fails.

HE saw every day of those 8 years

long before I even knew that HE would ask me to do that. HE saw every mistake and ever argument and every tear long before we even had any idea that those years were upon us.

HE saw me, in my weakness

and my humanity and HE knew there were days that I would fail, HE knew that. BUT HE trusted me anyway. What a powerful thought, and it is that thought or should I say that reality that has began to bring healing to my heart. HE KNEW ......

BUT HE trusted me anyway.

Today, I am well on my way to healing and well on my way to picking out paint and beginning to create in my shop. I do not cry much and when I do it is just because I miss them so. The grief has become my teacher and in the midst of it all it has taught me that no matter how we fail and no matter the times that we miss the mark, HE believes in us and if we allow HIM ,

HE will bring forgiveness and healing.

Have you ever wondered how HE heals a heart? I have. It is not a heart of flesh that HE speaks to, or a heart of flesh that HE whispers sweet peace but a heart that only HE sees and only HE can touch.

We are unaware when in the midst of our storm that HE has already begun to heal, but as time passes we know, we feel HIM in the midst of the pain. HE begins to bring healing just as we have asked HIM to.

Today, my heart is healed
and I no longer feel the need to beg HIM for forgiveness, I no longer feel the need to beg HIM for assurance that they are home and safe and well. I no longer grieve for the past failures but I focus on the wonderful wonderful days that HE allowed me to become HIS servant and love those little people as they made their way to being at home with HIM.

Now the task before me, to forgive myself.
To allow myself to be human and understand that no matter how hard we try, we are going to fail as long as we reside in this flesh and blood body.

Today I honor the memory of my Mom and Dad.
I honor their lives with forgiving myself. I honor their lives by living mine. I honor them by forgiving those that caused harm and tears and hurt me during those hard years.

I honor them by being the best I can for my life and I honor them for knowing that I did my very best by them and in the end, they knew that.

I honor you Mom and Dad. You were wonderful kind and loving parents, and I miss you so..