Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Just Need To Talk.....



I spent 2 1/2 hours with Jean yesterday. It broke my heart but my face never revealed my sorrow. We laughed and cried and reminisced. We talked about the church that we remolded inside and out and we laugh we we spoke of the guys putting up the sheet rock. We talked about the singing and how we miss that today and how the old wooden floor shook as we danced....... I cry now trying to related to you my heart.

I am guilty of one thing here in the blog world. I do not always share all my heart. I keep a lot under wraps for the fear of exposing too much of my heart. I do not know why, it is just the way I am. However, tonight as I sit here sharing with you my visit with Jean I will share a bit more than I usually do.

I am angry and I am filled with sorrow and I have cried a lot today while outside working in the yard. I want to know why she is sitting in that small bedroom in that hospital bed, oxygen tube feeding pure oxygen to her body. She is not able to eat and is down to nothing but skin stretched over bone and no hair but those beautiful eyes have not changed.



She is not able to get up and go freely to the kitchen and make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she could not eat even if she could get there...........

I have prayed, and when she was first diagnosed, I prayed and I have prayed every time the Lord has brought her to mind. I have rejoiced each time the tumor went away. I have thank the Lord for her each time she has called and wanted to know how I WAS!

I am here and well and outside so enjoying God's gift of the day and laughing with my husband and enjoying the presence of my son Chris as the two of them work in the yard, yet I cry.

When I left her yesterday I prayed, but I did not pray for God to heal her, I prayed and thanked the Lord for the gift of her. I prayed and reminded God of HIS promise to walk with us through the valley of the shadow of death. I spoke of the outward man that will perish and the inner man that will grow strong. I prayed............. but I did not pray for healing........ Why? Do we limit God by what our eyes see and is God saddened by that sight that we call reality. I do not know. I am a born again, spirit filled believer in the most high God . I believe that HE does heal today, But I did not pray for that healing for my friend Jean.



The God that made man out of dust , the same God that set the stars and the moon is space and told the earth to rotate on its axis is not afraid of cancer, HE does not tremble at its name. It is no more to HIM than a hang nail but we look it the face of cancer and we fear. I hate that and I cry. I feel guilt and anger and sadness. I feel that somehow I have failed her or did not do all. I am sure that all of these feelings are normal, but to me they are something I have never felt. She is young, only 64. She should have years..........

I cry for Jean, I cry for those here in the blog that are suffering and hurting because of that demon disease and I want to know why when we pray they are not all healed. Why? I do not know, but my Father God loves me enough to let me rant and HE loves me enough to know that my heart hurts and HE loves me enough to know that I do not understand YET I put my full trust in HIM.

The few hours with Jean felt like only a few minutes and the mantle of a teacher that the Lord placed upon my life years ago came to the surface and at one point I was almost preaching and we talked of the things of God. I was her teacher/ pastor for several years and she loves to get me started.

I shared with her the vision that God gave me while sitting in the ER with mother.............. How HE sees the spirit in us and and the spirit in us grows stronger each day as the outward man perishes........... She shouted for joy as it ministered to her spirit man and she cried as she understood how profound that revelation was to her. I touched her spirit...... I cried. I have no understanding of her suffering, but I have an understanding that her spirit is alive today and will be more alive tomorrow. Her spirit man is not sick and grows anxious to see the ONE that gave it life. She is listening for her name to be called by the Savior of her soul.



She is the most gracious women I have ever known and I have never heard her speak one word against another human being. She talks with her hands and even yesterday they were expressive and moving as they always have. She has beautiful skin as she always has and even in her weakened state she is full of joy and faith and hope for her passing....

She is my friend, but more she is a child of God and HE loves her more than I can understand or comprehend. I do not know why, but maybe it is not for me to understand but to just hold fast to the promises that HE has left us. I believe.

I promised her that I will be back on Monday. If she is still her on Monday we will talk and laugh, if she has gone home before I get there, I will rejoice that she is finally healed.



Thanks for listening. I just needed to talk.

Sorrow last for only the night, but joy comes in the morning.



Shalom..............


14 comments:

Mary said...

Denise,

There are many things that we don't understand. One day we will have the answer to all of these things.

You are going through the grieving process as you write this. I can relate because I lost my friend to cancer in 1981 and more recently Aunt May.

I am praying Jean and for you as well, my friend. Reach out to Him in your sorrow.

Blessings,
Mary

Denise said...

Sweetie, I can feel your pain in this heart touching post. I am so sorry. My prayers are with you, and dear Jean.

"Just Me - NC Beth" said...

Denise, I remember years back a good friend of mine was taken too, from cancer. She was only 42...
I remember how hard that was, to see her suffering so, and praying for healing, yet only in death did it happen.

I am so glad I serve a God who understands how we are in our "inabilities" to understand it all and yet He continues to love us so...

Life itself is a lesson and we are always learning from it.

I pray that Jean's passing will be soon...no more suffering, or pain, only Jesus!!

Love you my friend!

~Beth

Shirley said...

Denise, my heart goes out to you. God's Word says when one hurts, we all hurt. Death, even though it is just a passing over to be with Jesus, does hurt us. We know that only this old body is the only part that dies for now. Your friend will live on in a better place . . . and God, in His love for us . . . will give us comfort. There is nothing I, nor anyone else, can say that you don't already know . . . but, it does help to know that others care and are hurting for you. Someday, we will all be reunited . . . what a joyous time that will be. I want to see my mom and other family members and friends who have gone on before me. God understands our makeup and emotions . . . He created us. He is a wonderful God and we will see Him too . . . it will be worth it all.

Hugs to you, my dear friend.

Angie said...

Denise---I am so glad you had that opportunity! I am so glad that you were able to minister to her---and she to you. Isn't it amazing how God works...we go "to minister" and somehow...God turns things around.

I love you and am praying. I LOVE how your shared YOUR HEART. THAT was a true blessing to my soul!

God bless you and guide your steps and words.
In Him,
Angie

Amrita said...

Dear Denise, I know this pain, it is very difficult to accept. Someitmes you feel like running away from it all.

But God has his ways of healing.Sometimes He calls His saints home and heals them there.

A few days before my Dad died he anounced "God is going to heal me"

as he slept in the arms of Jesus we knew what he had said.

Donetta said...

Oh Sweetie. Be embraced.

Diane said...

Denise, Thank you so much for feeling that you can pour out your heart to us. As bloggers it's a huge thing we can do - support each other. And we can pray. Know that you're prayed for and cared for as you go through this time with your dear friend, Jean.

Deb said...

Love you. . ((((HUGS)))) Your OK:)

Karen said...

Dear lady...I am so sorry for your pain and this difficult time you are going through. Your friend sounds like a truly amazing woman that has touched your life in a way you will never forget.

There was a song on my player today that said...can the Maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart. WE know the answer to that, don't we? He hears, He knows, He cares, and He comforts...all in the shelter of His mighty arms. Those loving arms will be there to receive your friend when she is ready....

Maxine said...

Praise God. Praise Him for your wonderful friendship. Praise Him for Jean. Praise Him that she has you as a friend. How precious it all is. May he Lord keep her close.

Just Be Real said...

Denise, thank you for sharing your love for Jean and being honest in sharing here. Nothing gets past our Lord, nothing. As hard as it is, He is the ultimate one in charge! Blessings to you through this trial.

Tracy said...

While reading this and your heartfelt words I cried with you my friend. We do not always have the answers we want to questions we ask God, but i do know someday we will.

Hugs you my sweet friend.

Sharon Brumfield said...

Some of the hardest things God and I have had to deal with in the last two years is why my prayers did not seem to work. He and I have done some real struggling.
I even went through a period where I felt like I could not pray for anyone.
He is a patient teacher and even though I do not fully understand....my love for Him is growing.
I will be praying for you and your friend as you walk through this time.
He is near to the broken hearted.