I am angry and I am filled with sorrow and I have cried a lot today while outside working in the yard. I want to know why she is sitting in that small bedroom in that hospital bed, oxygen tube feeding pure oxygen to her body. She is not able to eat and is down to nothing but skin stretched over bone and no hair but those beautiful eyes have not changed.
I have prayed, and when she was first diagnosed, I prayed and I have prayed every time the Lord has brought her to mind. I have rejoiced each time the tumor went away. I have thank the Lord for her each time she has called and wanted to know how I WAS!
When I left her yesterday I prayed, but I did not pray for God to heal her, I prayed and thanked the Lord for the gift of her. I prayed and reminded God of HIS promise to walk with us through the valley of the shadow of death. I spoke of the outward man that will perish and the inner man that will grow strong. I prayed............. but I did not pray for healing........ Why? Do we limit God by what our eyes see and is God saddened by that sight that we call reality. I do not know. I am a born again, spirit filled believer in the most high God . I believe that HE does heal today, But I did not pray for that healing for my friend Jean.
The God that made man out of dust , the same God that set the stars and the moon is space and told the earth to rotate on its axis is not afraid of cancer, HE does not tremble at its name. It is no more to HIM than a hang nail but we look it the face of cancer and we fear. I hate that and I cry. I feel guilt and anger and sadness. I feel that somehow I have failed her or did not do all. I am sure that all of these feelings are normal, but to me they are something I have never felt. She is young, only 64. She should have years..........
I cry for Jean, I cry for those here in the blog that are suffering and hurting because of that demon disease and I want to know why when we pray they are not all healed. Why? I do not know, but my Father God loves me enough to let me rant and HE loves me enough to know that my heart hurts and HE loves me enough to know that I do not understand YET I put my full trust in HIM.
The few hours with Jean felt like only a few minutes and the mantle of a teacher that the Lord placed upon my life years ago came to the surface and at one point I was almost preaching and we talked of the things of God. I was her teacher/ pastor for several years and she loves to get me started.
I shared with her the vision that God gave me while sitting in the ER with mother.............. How HE sees the spirit in us and and the spirit in us grows stronger each day as the outward man perishes........... She shouted for joy as it ministered to her spirit man and she cried as she understood how profound that revelation was to her. I touched her spirit...... I cried. I have no understanding of her suffering, but I have an understanding that her spirit is alive today and will be more alive tomorrow. Her spirit man is not sick and grows anxious to see the ONE that gave it life. She is listening for her name to be called by the Savior of her soul.
She is the most gracious women I have ever known and I have never heard her speak one word against another human being. She talks with her hands and even yesterday they were expressive and moving as they always have. She has beautiful skin as she always has and even in her weakened state she is full of joy and faith and hope for her passing....
She is my friend, but more she is a child of God and HE loves her more than I can understand or comprehend. I do not know why, but maybe it is not for me to understand but to just hold fast to the promises that HE has left us. I believe.
I promised her that I will be back on Monday. If she is still her on Monday we will talk and laugh, if she has gone home before I get there, I will rejoice that she is finally healed.
Thanks for listening. I just needed to talk.
Sorrow last for only the night, but joy comes in the morning.